Little Jack is on
a very specific napping schedule.
I better stay here.
No, go. Greg can watch him.
Yeah, sure.
He has wonderful parental instincts.
Dad, Greg deals with little kids in the ER all the time.
It's true. They don't call me Barry Poppins for nothing.
[all laughing]
(Roz) That's so cute.
Why would someone call you Barry Poppins?
They wouldn't.
Now, remember, Greg, we're Ferberizing him.
So unless it's an emergency,
under no circumstances should you pick him up
or coddle him in any way when he cries.
Hmm-mmm. Okay.
He's learning to self-soothe,
that means no television, no unapproved toys,
and most of all,
no monkey business of any kind.
Is that clear? Mmm-hmm.
No monkey business. Okay.
Jack.
Shall we get a move on, pal-o-mino?
(Jack) I'm ready.
I love this, Roz.
This is a great find.
Oh, good, and it's loose,
so you can wear it even if you gain a few pounds.
Isn't that lovely?
Honey, are you all right?
You look a little flushed.
Oh, it's just the heat. It takes some getting used to.
I'm fine. I'm going to try this on.
Thank you, Roz.
Now, madame,
let's find something sexy for the momma to wear.
Look at this little number.
Whoa!
I think this will get Jack's blood flowing.
Jack would have a coronary.
I thought so.
Oh, Dina, talk to me.
What's really going on with that man?
He seems very uptight.
Jack's always been a little wound up.
His job was very stressful.
Being a florist is stressful?
There's more to it than people think.
Mmm-hmm.
If you don't mind me asking, how is your sex life?
[laughs]
I can't tell you that.
What's the big deal? I'm a professional.
Dina, I'm a sex therapist,
specializing in senior sexuality.
I knew those weren't yoga mats.
[both laughing]
We're not 25 any-anymore.
But you're not dead, either.
Lots of couples our age
lack intimacy in their marriages.
I didn't say we weren't intimate.
There are special occasions. You know, anniversaries and...
Well, on our anniversary.
Ay-ya-yay. Nicht gut.
I beg your pardon.
Not good.
I think that I can help you and Jack reconnect.
How?
Well,
it all starts with a little bit of, uh,
how shall I say, intimate contact.
Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
My, that tingles.
Every pleasure in the body
can be stimulated through the ears.
[moaning]
I'd give it a shot with Jack tonight.
What's goin' on over here?
Nothing, just having some girl talk.
Roz.
[Little Jack wailing]
[sighs]
[Little Jack continues wailing]
Okay. Here's the deal, LJ.
I'm going to give you a few minutes of attention.
But you have to promise
that you don't tell Grandpa Jack anything, okay?
(Greg) All right. Good.
[cooing]
Okay, I don't quite know what that means,
but I'm going to trust you.
All right. Here we go.
Okay. Okay. It's okay.
A little huggie-wuggie never hurt anybody.
[yelping]
I know we aren't supposed to watch TV
but we won't tell Grandpa Jack, will we?
Oh, look, look, it's Elmo.
Do you like fishes?
You don't like fishes?
No. All right.
Okay. Okay.
[sighing]
[doll squeaking]
[squeaking continues]
[panting]
Hey, I got an idea.
Let's see what pre-approved genius toys Grandpa Jack has
in his big basket of fun. Mmm?
Oh, look, look, it's a... it's a... an abacus.
Abacuses aren't that much fun, are they?
I don't know why people think they're fun.
Look at this! Look! It's... it's bolts on a plank.
Hmm? Fun bolts. No, not very fun.
Hey.
##[music playing]
A little birdie!
Look, he sings.
# And if that mockingbird don't sing #
# Then Greg is going to buy you a diamond ring #
# And if that diamond ring gets sold #
# Greg's gonna feel like a big asshole ##
Asshole.
No, no, no, you don't want to say that word.
We don't want to say that. That's a bad word.
Asshole.
No, no, no.
##[music playing]
I thought this was a repair shop.
Oh, this is better.
That's Isabel's son, Jorge.
15 years old, he can fix anything.
Hey, Bernie.
[speaking in Spanish]
Yo! Georgie boy!
So, I think you got a tear in the bilateral valve.
15, huh?
Genius.
[lsabel speaking in Spanish]
Jorge, what did I tell you?
No more tinkering
until you finish your science homework.
Oh.
Uh, I was going to finish it
but, uh, Mr. Gerson is out with, uh, rickets.
He said definitely don't do it
until his rickets are... are cured.
And, you know, l... l... I really...
Who knows if he's ever telling the truth?
(lsabel) Bernie,
I made chimichangas. You guys want?
Have you ever known me to turn down a chimi?
Jack, you in the mood, amigo?
No, thanks.
[birds chirping]
Why are you looking at me funny?
l... l... I said...
Oh, no, no. You just look like somebody I know.
No, no, no, no.
Tadpole. Tadpole. Can you say tadpole?
Mad bull.
Asshole.
No, Jack's mole.
'Cause Jack has a big mole on his face.
Is your father the mechanic?
Oh, l... I don't know, I never met him.
Never met your dad, huh?
Oh, that's unfortunate.
But very interesting.
Mind if I take a picture of you?
You know, just for fun.
Okay.
[clicking]
# Mr. Moose likes to say good words #
# He doesn't like you to say bad words ##
Asshole.
[phone ringing]
Okay. Just hang on a second there.
[sobbing]
[Litle Jack wailing]
Yeah. Hello.
Hi, It's me. How's it going with the little one?
Horribly. He's crying and screaming, and cursing.
(Roz) That poor kid is desperate for human contact.
Honey, you need to hold him, and kiss him,
do whatever it takes.
I've been hugging him in secret,
feeding him chocolates, too.
[TVplaying]
All animals have babies...
[chuckling]
Say hello to my little friend!
You know, he's probably teething.
So put a dab of rum in his milk.
And it'll ease the pain, he'll go to sleep.
You want me to give him a drink?
I'm talking, less than a thimbleful.
(Roz) You don't want Jack coming home
to a screaming baby.
[giggling]
Listen to your mother. Goodbye. I love you.
All right, Mom.
Hey, Little Jack, I got a surprise for you.
Little Jack?
Mr. Moose is looking for you.
Oh, shit! Where the hell did he go?
LJ! Little Jack!
[Jinx meowing]
(Greg) LJ! LJ!
Does that Jorge resemble anyone you know?
No one I know.
Hmm.
There's something you don't see every day.
[panting]
Focker! Focker!
Okay. I know this looks bad, but I can explain it.
What the hell happened? I said no monkey business.
No. There was no monkey business.
No monkey business?
You're wearing my breast, Little Jack is drinking,
Moses is sodomizing Jinx,
and you're telling me there's no monkey business?
What is going on here? You all right, LJ?
Hello! We're home! Hey, guys.
(Jack) Give me the bottle.
What's happened to Little Jack?
His hands are stuck to the bottle of rum.
Thank you, Dad. You bet they're stuck.
Greg, how did this happen?
And why are you wearing antlers?
It's very complicated.
It's just a little glue. He's fine.
He's not fine. If he could use his hands, he'd tell you himself.
All right. That's all right. Come on.
Little Jack, honey, are you okay?
Greg...
(Jack) Dina. Pam.
(Pam) Yes, Dad, uh... I'm coming. Little Jack.
Honey, I said a thimble, not a bottle.
Oh, Greg.
Hey.
[whispering] How's the little guy doing?
[whispering] Everything is just as good as new.
Yeah.
Dad, come on.
(Roz) Is he all right? He's asleep.
I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins.
You are completely unfit to handle a child.
It was Barry Poppins.
What kind of sick cocktail were you gonna make my grandson?
Jack, the baby's teething.
I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
It was your idea? Yes.
What is wrong with you people?
I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Yeah! Look what happened to him.
Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
Jack, he was screaming.
So I went in and gave him a little attention. Okay?
He's learning to self-soothe.
These setbacks are disastrous for his development.
The child is adorable,
but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
Mom. What are you saying?
I'm saying that I've seen that kid eat
at least 15 boogers since he's been here
and I've got news for you, Jack,
prodigies don't eat their own boogers.
And I have news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place
every time either.
Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.
I'm sorry. I've never seen people
celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
Because we love our son? We hug our son?
Let's get down to it. The truth is,
you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think
that it's the Little Jack in you
who's crying out for a hug.
The Little Jack in me?
Jack, you have issues.
I'm trying to understand why you run around
with a rubber boob strapped to your chest.
Were you ever breastfed?
Mom, stop. Key question.
My guess is no.
Spare me the drugstore psychology.
[all chattering]
Everybody! All right. Everybody just...
Everybody just stop, okay?
Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes,
Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs
and I let him watch TV.
I went to answer the phone, I was gone a second, I came back in,
he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface,
and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay?
That's it.
Oh. That's it
Greg just said, "That's it. " So I feel much better now.
Daddy, would you mind...
Please, Daddy. He made an honest mistake. Let it go.
He's fine, Greg. He's asleep.
[Little Jack mumbling]
He spoke.
(Little Jack) Asshole.
What?
Did he say what I am thinking?
I think he did.
Little Jack, what did you just say?
Asshole.
His first word?
It just slipped out of my mouth. L...
He has a mind like a sponge.
That's enough.
I'm calling a family conference.
Oh, it's a great idea, Jack.
Let's finally get your problems out on the table.
No, no, I mean with my own family. Excuse us.
I'd like to talk to Pam and Dina in private.
Of course, of course, take your time.
(Roz) Come on, honey.
I'm not so sure
this wedding is such a good idea.
To say the least, I don't like what I'm seeing from these Fockers.
What?
Has Greg ever mentioned the name Jorge to you? Jor...
I don't know what you're talking about. No, why?
Because I think your fiance may have
a few skeletons in his closet that he is not telling you about.
And skeletons don't like living in closets.
Oh, my God, Here we go again. Dad, listen,
you know, Greg has no skeletons. Okay?
Oh, really? He does not.
Do you know that? Yes, I know that.
Will you just... I'm not a child.
I see. She knows that.
This wedding will happen.
And the sooner you accept that,
the better it's going to be for all of us.
I can't talk to you.
No. Wait a second, sweetheart.
And I'm not so sure Roz is a yoga instructor, either.
Jack, you promised that you'd behave yourself.
And what you said to those people
was really hurtful.
I think you should go up there and apologize.
I'm not going to apologize to them.
Jack.
A little birdie told me
that somebody's going to be a daddy.
Mom!
Sorry, honey, but look at that face.
How could I keep it a secret?
He's so excited about being a grandpa.
(Bernie) What should he call me?
[both laughing] How about Poppy?
You don't have to have champagne, okay?
Why? Jack's really angry.
I know he's mad,
but he's also a little meshuggenah.
Come on, honey. How often do we get to be grandparents?
We're having a toast.
Okay, fine, but, Dad, this is a secret.
We can't tell Jack till after we are married.
Why? We are honest people.
No! I can't stand this secrecy anymore. Why?
[shushing]
Be quiet.
Why should we diminish our joy
just because they live in denial?
[shushing]
Seriously.
I promised Pam, okay?
She thinks it'll break his heart if he finds out.
I'm not gonna take a drink.
(Roz) Your father's right.
This is the 21st century! Married or not,
there's no shame in fatherhood!
This is the fruit of your loins.
(Bernie) That is so beautiful.
Say that to him again.
(Roz) This is the fruit of your loins!
(Bernie) Okay. Let's toast and let's make a sandwich,
and Mom wants to be the cheese.
[gasps]
Jack Byrnes, what are you doing?
[groaning]
What did you do?
You okay there, Jacko?
What's the matter What happened?
[moaning]
I was, uh, coming to apologize
and my back went into spasm.
It's very tender from that horrific football accident.
Yeah, I feel it.
My God, you're knotted like a pretzel.
You must be in a lot of pain, huh?
I don't mind pain. I learn from pain.
Pain-shmain. My fingers are magic.
Come on, let me work out the kinks.
Oh. That's a lovely offer, Jack.
Uh, no, thanks. I'll be fine.
My wife does wonderful bodywork, Jack.
I don't think he needs it.
##[music playing]
Okay, handsome, shirt off.
I'd rather have it on, thank you.
Oh, no dice.
No, no, no. It has to come off.
Ah, lovely.
You know,
most back pain is psychological.
We carry our emotional baggage
right here in our muscles.
I've been watching you, Jack.
Studying your body language.
And you're a very sensual man.
But I'm not sure you realize that.
What are you doing?
(Roz) It's a technique I learned in Hawaii.
It's a Lomi-Lomi massage
named after the gentle waves of the Polynesian Sea.
The waves go in, and the waves go out.
The waves go in.
[Jack grunts]
Whoops.
Hit some driftwood.
(Roz) Jack Byrnes, you are a caged lion.
But lions can't be captives their entire lives.
They have to be free to roam the bush,
free and wild.
Your wife is a hot, sexy tigress
and she's waiting for you to pounce on her.
Let me hear you roar, baby, roar.
[Jack groaning]
Your body is talking to me.
It's hungry for action.
I can feel it.
Unleash the beast inside you.
Mom, stop it. You're hurting him.
I am not hurting him. I am helping him.
Just don't... don't...
I don't think you should move just yet.
Jack, come back for an afternoon session.
It'll do you good.
What're you doing?
We were so close. I could feel it.
I was getting through to him.
The guy doesn't like to be touched.
Because he has
the emotional hide of a rhinoceros.
Don't break him down. Just let him be.
I was trying to do you a favor.
You were riding him like Seabiscuit, Mom.
[groaning]
[grunts]
[whirring]
[beeps]
(Jack) Dial Foxtrot One.
[phone autodialing]
[computer beeping]
(Foxtrot One) Alpha, Foxtrot One.
(Jack) Foxtrot One.
I need a full comparative DNA analysis
on one Gaylord M Focker
and one Jorge Villalobos.
Translation, George, House of the wolves.
It might take a couple of weeks, Santa.
No good, Foxtrot One, I need a 12-hour turnaround.
I'll secure the physical evidence and the handoff will be
at Harry Focker's Good Time Supper Club,
2100 hours tonight.
You got it, Santa. Foxtrot One out.
[phone rings]
Yello?
Bernie, this is Jack Byrnes.
Hey, Jack. Hey, where are you calling from?
I'm in my RV.
Would you have Greg meet me here in three minutes?
You're in your trailer?
Thank you, goodbye.
But...
Hey, Gaylord!
(Bernie) Jack wants you to meet him
in his trailer in precisely three minutes.
And I have to tell you,
El Stiffo was really starting to freak me out.
Greg, wait, okay?
Listen, no matter how hard he probes you,
you have to promise me that you will not break
because I'm not ready to tell him I'm pregnant.
Hey, honey.
Honey. What? What?
Let him probe,
'cause he's probing a brick wall.
(Roz) Now show me how
you would like a romantic evening to go.
Oh, Jack, wine and candles?
Gosh, it's not even our anniversary.
Come here, hot stuff.
[moaning] Yes, yes. Oh, Jack.
[door closing]
(Greg) Jack?
(Jack) Down here, under the bed.
[bed whirring]
Down here, Greg.
Wow.
Have a seat.
Watch the panel.
This is incredible.
So this is like your, uh, mobile command center
for all your spy activities?
Mainly a secure space for me to spend some alone time
and reflect on my thoughts.
Mmm. Very cool.
Greg. Yeah?
You'll recall,
we had a discussion earlier in the week regarding my feelings
about family, legacies, children and so forth.
Oh, yeah, of course I recall. Yeah.
I'm going to just ask you once.
Is there anything you want to tell me
regarding things that might have happened?
Unplanned things?
Things involving the fruit of your loins?
No.
Well, if he's not going to admit it on his own...
[phone autodialing]
(Jorge) Hello?
Hello, Jorge?
It's Jack Byrnes, remember me?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
You came to the house with Bernie.
You had that fancy camera pen.
Yeah, that's right.
Listen, do you have any plans tonight?
Uh, no.
Good, 'cause I'd like to invite you to a party.
# You could feel like dancin' #
# Dance #
# And you could feel like fallin' #
# Fall #
# 'Cause it would be all right ##
Hey. Sweetie.
Having a good time?
Uh, no, not really.
No?
Hey, listen, sweetie, did you tell your mother I'm pregnant?
Because she keeps touching my stomach
and smiling like that.
Yeah. No, I didn't tell her. She just, she guessed.
She what?
Yeah, and then she told my dad.
Oh, my God.
Stop it, Bernie. Bernie, stop.
It's not funny.
(Pam) I told my mom.
What?
Yeah.
What? Why'd you...
Your dad will definitely find out.
She knows my dad. She'd never say a word.
No, no. But he's very suspicious.
Greg. Hi. Hey.
Hi. Honey, would you take this to your mother?
It's a wine spritzer.
That's all she drinks now.
You boys have fun.
[sighs]
Nice. Nice party.
Isn't it? Yeah, it is. It's nice.
It's got a nice festive vibe.
You met some of the, uh, some of the cousins?
I met some. Yes. I met some, um...
Dom.
Yeah, Dom Focker.
That's my dad's, uh, first cousin.
Did you meet his kids, Randy and Horny?
I've met Randy and Horny. Yes.
Come on. I want to introduce you to somebody.
Come on.
Oh, there he is.
Glad you could make it, Jorge.
Oh, hey, thanks for the invite, Mr. B.
Greg, this is Jorge Villalobos.
Hey.
Hey, how you doing?
Isabel's son.
Oh, I didn't realize Isabel had a son.
When did she get married?
She-she's not married.
Oh, he's never met his father.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
That's, I mean, that's... that's too bad.
Oh, no, no, it's... it's cool.
My mom said my dad wasn't like, mature enough
to deal with a kid, anyway, so, yeah.
So how do you guys know each other?
Oh, this young man is quite the mechanic.
And he's only 15 years old. Isn't that impressive?
Really? You're 15?
Yeah. That is impressive.
He's a handsome kid, huh?
Yeah.
Almost like a young, half-Hispanic Marlon Brando.
Well,
I'll leave you two guys to talk.
You probably have a lot in common.
Well, hmm.
So you're 15.
Come on, let's conga.
Did you order the Tom Collins, sir?
Is it made with fresh lemon juice?
They're Bermuda lemons, sir.
And I squeezed them myself.
Stay safe, Santa.
##[music playing]
[all cheering]
I mean, it's romantic out here,
don't you think?
The moon, the sea,
isn't it nice?
Hmm. Yeah, it's nice.
You look very handsome tonight, Jack.
Oh. Thank you, honey.
What are you doing to my ears?
Nothing.
(man) Hey!
I have to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.
Okay.
##[conga drums beating]
Hello, Greg.
Hi, Jack.
Did you have a nice conversation
with your son?
Jack, I've never even met that kid before.
Focker, you've been covering this up from the very beginning.
No, I haven't, Jack.
It's just another one of your crazy theories.
Greg.
You're still in the circle of trust,
so I'm gonna give you one more chance.
Are you ready to admit
that you've been hiding this from Pam?
No, I haven't.
You're not hiding anything?
No, all right?
[sighs] Oh, Greg.
What are you holding? What's in your hand?
Nothing.
Jack, I can see it in the mirror. What is it?
You got something in your hand.
Don't worry about it, Greg.
Is that a needle?
Yes, it is.
You seem tense.
I was going to offer you a sedative.
You're joking, right?
No, I'm not.
Jack.
Is that tartar sauce on your shoulder?
Tartar sauce?
[yells]
Why?
You've been injected
with a highly concentrated dose of sodium pentothal.
Street name: Truth serum.
You won't recall this in a few minutes
and tonight, for the first time in your life,
my young friend,
you are going to be honest.
Keep the pressure on it.
Get down, Little Jack. Get funky.
Oh.
Hey there, preggers.
Quiet.
How're you doin'?
Fine, where've you been?
I went to the bathroom to pee and now I'm talking to you,
my fiancee, who I've delayed marrying for two years
because I didn't want our parents to meet.
[cooing]
What?
You don't like me? It's okay.
I don't like your little red outfit.
Makes you look like a little demon-baby.
Maybe I'll get you
a little pitchfork for Christmas, huh,
so we can put you on a can of Underwood ham.
I'm sorry that I can't make little "poop" sounds
and I can't make little things
that tell people when I wanna do things.
And guess what?
I can make a sign to you, too.
How's that for a sign?
[all clapping]
Uh-oh. Look, Bernie's gone up on the stage. Come.
Now, to say a few words,
one of the great registered nurses of all time,
Gaylord Myron Focker.
[all cheering]
Come on, let's give it up to Gay.
Give it up to him.
[man hooting]
Bernie Focker!
I love the shirt, Dad.
Thank you. All right.
It's great to be here with all of you
as I am about to set sail
in my ship of life,
with my first mate,
the beautiful young blonde lass over there.
Hey, baby.
I love you, honey.
I still masturbate to Pam.
[all gasping]
Greg.
What? It's true.
Honey, what? Come on, you're hot.
Look at her.
Look at those boobs. Man!
I just wanna...
I just wanna lather them up with soap and just...
I love it.
Man, I just wanna... just wanna nestle in there
and just take a little vacation in there.
Honey.
Honey, what? I'm sorry.
Okay, excuse me for you being perfect.
Hey, you know who else is great?
That woman over there.
My future mother-in-law, Dina Byrnes.
# Dina, Dina, fofina #
# Banana fana fofina #
# I love Di-Di-Dina #
# Byrnes ##
You know, they say if you really wanna know
what a woman will look like
when she gets older, you should look at her mother.
Well, I'm a lookin' and I'm a likin'.
[Greg whooping]
Look at her! Sweetness!
[all mumbling]
Hmm-mmm.
Good genes, the Byrnes gene pool.
Hey, hey, you.
Yeah, you.
Hold on.
Pam, I gotta tell you something
about... about this little dude right here.
In my first really passionate sexual awakening,
I did, in fact, lose my virginity
to our beautiful housekeeper, Isabel.
Greg, honey, that was in the past.
So why don't you come sit down?
No, no, honey, 'cause I have to get this off my chest, really.
Sit.
We conceived a child.
[all gasping]
And his name is Jorge Villalobos.
Come up here, Jorge. Come up here.
Let's lift the veil of mystery.
The fruit of my loins is right here.
Everybody take a look. See his face.
He's mine.
Search your feelings, Jorge.
You know it to be true.
[speaking in Spanish]
[sighing]
It's okay. I know.
Lot of information.
You let it settle.
Who'd have thunk it, huh?
Come on, give that kid a hand.
[all applauding]
Oh, and, uh, Jack?
Pam's pregnant.
[gasping]
[all chattering]
Focker out.
[thudding]
[all exclaiming]
Hey.
(Pam) Hey.
What happened last night?
Well, you got drunk and told my dad I'm pregnant.
You revealed you have
a 15-year-old son named Jorge.
And, oh, apparently you have the hots for my mom.
Oh, my God.
l... I...
You mean, is that really true?
I think she's attractive.
No, that you have a son you never told me about.
I... Honey, if it is,
I never heard about it before last night.
Isabel never said anything to me. L... I...
[sighs] I mean.
I don't even remember drinking.
You're telling me the truth, aren't you?
Of course, I am. Pam,
I love you.
I would never lie to you about anything like that.
I love you, too.
And if Jorge really is your son,
then we will make it work.
Okay.
I...
Hey, how did your dad react to the pregnancy news?
Well,
just as you'd expect.
He slept in the RV.
He hasn't spoken to anyone since last night.
[RV horn honking]
(Jack) Pam, we have to leave this island.
Get in the RV right now.
Bernard, get out from under the vehicle
or I will run you over.
I'm not moving, Jack.
There's a non-violent way to handle this.
What's going on?
Well, your father wants to leave,
and Bernie is staging a sit-in.
Dad, come on, get up.
This is ridiculous.
You weren't around in the '60s, man.
This is how we got things done.
(Jack) Pam, Dina, we have to get off this island. It's evil.
Jack Byrnes, out of the RV.
You are acting like such a jerk.
Yes, there you go.
Jacko! Yes.
Man, we're gonna have a grandchild.
Come on, we should be celebrating.
How could you not see it?
Greg is completely unfit to handle a child.
He's neglected his own son for 15 years.
Hey, Jack, I didn't even know he existed.
That's right.
Who knows what to believe with you?
You're dishonest about everything.
You're so much better, Jack? Why don't you tell everybody
what you did last night to Greg at the party.
Muskrat, Dina.
Oh, stuff your muskrat, Jack.
He shot Greg with truth serum before his speech.
What?
Yeah, I found this in his pocket.
Here we go again, Dad.
He did the same thing to Pam's junior prom date.
Wait a minute. Yes, yes. Wait a minute.
You stuck a needle in my neck.
You drugged my son?
I had no choice. He refuses to tell the truth.
Because he's terrified,
and he thinks he has to impress you.
He's had us trying to impress you,
but in my opinion,
Jack, I think it's you
who should be trying to impress us.
Jack.
You've insulted me, my wife, my son,
our entire way of life.
I've sat back and taken it. But now,
you've crossed the line, sir.
And I'm gonna have to kick your ass.
Dad, dad, wait a second.
I'm gonna teach this florist some justice, Focker-style.
Just calm down.
Just give me a minute to stretch.
(Roz) Bernie, you're gonna hurt yourself.
We can talk this through.
It's too late for words, Rosalind.
Dad, Dad, no, no,
please, no dance fighting. Stop!
This is Capoeira, man.
This is hardcore shit.
Bernard, if you continue,
you will force me to engage you.
And once I begin the sequence of combat,
it can only end with your demise.
Bring it, dog. Come on. Bring it. Come on.
He's taunting me.
Dad.
(Pam) Greg! Greg!
What, Bernie, you're gonna snap now?
(Pam) Greg!
What?
Now look what you did.
It's your fault.
He's bleeding. He's bleeding, Daddy.
That's it. Pam, Dina,
I'm calling a family conference.
Come on.
No, Dad, this is the family.
All right? In a few weeks, I'm not gonna be Pam Byrnes.
I'm gonna be Pamela Focker.
Or Byrnes-Focker.
We haven't totally decided yet.
No, no, no, I'm gonna be Pamela Martha Focker.
I know how that sounds,
but... but that's the name I'm taking.
Pamcake, you're upset. I'm not so sure
you're thinking clearly right now.
I'm trying, Dad.
It's you who is not thinking clearly.
These two kids love each other. Look.
We've been kvelling about this pregnancy all weekend.
You knew she was pregnant?
We all did, Jack.
Daddy, I was gonna tell you after the wedding, I swear.
This is the reason I created the circle of trust
so we could discuss these things.
The circle isn't gonna work
if you don't trust anyone that's in it, Dad.
(Pam) Dad.
Jack, don't.
No, Dad. Daddy.
(Dina) Honey.
Daddy, please. Daddy, where are you going?
Jack. Come on.
[engine starting]
[all chattering]
Daddy, come back, please.
[sighs]
This is nicht gut.
[car phone ringing]
(Roz) Is it ringing?
There's no answer.
Well, let's give him some space.
Maybe he's learning to self-soothe.
Roz. What?
This is crazy. I'm going.
I'm coming with you, Son.
No, Dad, I can do it myself.
We gotta make up time. I know these roads
like the back of my hand.
Come on, let's put this family back together.
(Greg) Dad, I know a shortcut.
It will lead us to the freeway.
(Bernie) I think you make a right up here or a left.
It's either one or the other.
You don't know where we are, do you?
You know, something's wrong here.
This makes no sense at all.
Dad, it's a map of Detroit.
Oh, well, that explains it.
Dad.
(Bernie) Punch it, Gay.
We gotta catch that dude.
[siren wailing]
Oh, shit.
Come on. Come on. Keep going.
Dad, come on, it's a cop.
Listen carefully. Let me do the talking.
I know how to handle the local cops.
No, don't... don't do any talking.
Don't shush me, I'm a lawyer.
I'm not shushing you.
You know how many tickets I've talked myself out of?
Oh, wow. Will you look at this guy.
Don't they have height requirements?
(Greg) We're screwed. No, we're not.
Don't. Don't, Dad, he said to remain in the vehicle.
Sir, I said to remain in your vehicle.
I just wanna talk to you for one second.
Let's just talk like friendly Floridians.
If you fail to comply, I will arrest you.
You see, my son's future father-in-law
thinks my Gay back there has a bastard son.
I said shut it.
Shut it.
I know my civil rights now.
You know your rights? Huh?
Oh!
(Bernie) I have sensitive wrists.
Excuse me.
Sir, return to your vehicle.
I don't know what he said, but...
That's it. On your belly.
On my belly?
You got a hearing problem?
No, I'm just trying to say...
Now we have two failures to comply.
Now, I need the two of you
to remain on the vehicle.
Okay, now here's my plan.
Plan?
Dad, no.
That was just a joke.
I'm sorry.
I was... I was just trying to help you, Gay.
I know, Dad.
You're always trying to help.
[car phone ringing]
Talk to me, Marty.
What's the intel on Operation Living Skeleton?
(Foxtrot One) Focker is not the kid's father, Jack.
Are you kidding me?
I was sure I had that pegged.
I'm sending you a visual uplink now.
The dad was a minor-league Florida ball player.
His name is Rusty Bridges.
We all make mistakes, Santa.
Foxtrot One out.
34 years spent reading other people
and I get it all wrong.
My own wife,
I don't even know what she's thinking.
My daughter keeps secrets from me.
Sometimes I think you're the only person
I can really talk to, LJ.
Asshole.
I know.
[tires screeching]
(policeman) F-O-C-K-E-R.
(Bernie) Hey, it's Jack.
Hey, Jack.
[both screaming]
(Bernie) Wait!
(Greg) Jack!
Jack.
Halt.
Jack.
Jack. Jack.
Weaver stance!
[groans]
[stun gun clicking]
Oh, my God. You shot my son.
Halt.
Your son has merely been stunned
by a less than lethal weapon.
[groaning]
Remain calm.
50,000 volts of electricity are now passing
into your skeletal muscle tissue.
Your central nervous system has been incapacitated
but you will regain motor functions momentarily.
[groans]
(Jack) Officer, do you mind telling me
why you're arresting these men?
Oh, mercy, it just gets better and better.
That is none of your business, looky-loo.
Return to your camper.
At ease, son. Put away the Taser.
Jack Byrnes, CIA.
C-I what?
Says here you're retired.
What'll you show me next, old-timer, your AARP card?
Now, you listen to me, and you listen good.
What's he doing?
Don't worry, he'll get us out of this.
You have no right to...
Stand down, sir.
No, I will not stand down. You will stand down.
I will not stand down.
You will stand down
or you will be working security
in a retirement home in Point Beach.
[stun gun clicking] Remain calm.
It's been almost an hour.
You think they caught up with him?
Hmm. Sure, sweetheart.
If I know Bernie,
they're probably sitting in a cafe in Little Havana
eating chimichangas and working out their issues.
[police siren wailing]
[police radio chattering]
(policeman) Check it out.
He's got a rubber booby.
[men laughing]
(Greg) What's going on?
I was talking to Judge Goldfarb.
It's done, we're out.
I thought you were making a call.
We don't need it. I ran into the judge in the hall.
I took care of everything.
Yeah, right.
What're you saying, Jack?
I'm saying, if you had kept your mouth shut
in the first place we wouldn't be in this mess.
I'm a lawyer, Jack.
I'm trying to get us out of here.
What'd you do, give the judge your fondue recipe?
At least I'm comfortable enough in my own skin
to cook for my family.
When's the last time you gave your wife breakfast in bed?
When is the last time you gave her anything in bed?
Now you're out of line, Focker.
(Bernie) You're out of line, man.
No, you hurt my feelings there,
and there's no reason to hurt my feelings.
Would you guys stop? He insulted me.
Well, this isn't about you, all right?
It's not about either of you.
It's about me and Pam.
We're getting married. That's it.
We're starting our own circle of trust.
And guess what? You're not in it.
Oh, you can't start a circle of trust. It's my circle.
You don't have a patent on the circle, Jack.
By the way, you're not even in your own circle right now.
That is untrue.
I say who's in or out of the circle.
Well, I'm confused. Whose circle am I in?
(Jack and Greg) Nobody's.
Look, we're starting a family, okay?
We-we're gonna have a baby.
I have a 15-year-old son.
You guys gotta put aside your issues
and... and do what's best for us. Okay?
Greg, Jorge is not your son.
What?
I had a comparative DNA analysis done last night.
And I made a mistake.
You made a mistake?
Yes, I did. (Bernie) Wait a minute.
Truth serum, DNA matches.
Who the hell are you, Jack Byrnes?
I'm not really a florist, Bernard.
I was in the CIA for 32 years.
And I retired right before I met Greg.
Oh, sure. Well, that makes sense.
# Bingo, bango, bongo ##
Bernie, what the heck are you still doing here?
Ira.
Open up, let these guys out.
Judge, what exactly did he say to you?
He didn't have to say anything.
Dr. Roz saved my marriage.
I'd do anything for that woman.
You tell sugar-pants
I'll see her in class next week.
Will do, Ira. Thanks.
Well, what can I say?
I'm married to a powerful woman.
All right, gentlemen. Let's go. Excuse me.
What?
Can you close the cell door?
(Jack) Focker! You want to remain in the cell?
We're not done talking yet.
What?
So, what do you think, huh? Hmm?
Can we work this out or not?
Okay.
Jack?
Uh...
[mumbling]
Good enough.
All right, then, uh,
I think Pam and I should... should get married
this weekend.
This weekend?
Oh, I'm not so sure that's a good idea.
You wanna be in the circle or not, Jack?
Okay, we'll do it this weekend.
Oh, Jack.
Hey, I think I can get Judge Ira to marry you guys.
Oh, I don't think so.
But if it's all right with you, Greg,
I already have a minister in mind.
##[lf I Were A Carpenter by Tim Hardin playing]
# If I were a carpenter #
# And you were a lady ##
Oh my God, Daddy. You didn't!
(Jack) Meeting Greg made such an impression on Kevin,
he spent eight months in Israel on a kibbutz,
then he took an Internet course
and got ordained as an inter-faith minister.
[sighs]
Jack told me you were okay
with me conducting the ceremony.
I hope that's true.
Yeah, yeah, no, I think it's great.
I mean, it is a little weird.
You listen to me when I say this.
Pam and I didn't have
one-tenth of the spiritual connection
that you two obviously share.
I mean, I look at you both together and you're beautiful.
I get it. Okay?
Okay, thank you, Kevin.
Thank you, Greg.
##[playing]
You're gonna be a great mom, Pamcake.
Thank you, Daddy.
And who gives this woman to this man?
I do. Jack Tiberius Byrnes.
Daddy.
Sorry, Greg.
She's all yours now.
That was sweet, honey.
Are you all right?
Shalom, everyone.
(all) Shalom.
[speaking in Hebrew]
Which is Hebrew for "what's going on? "
[all laughing]
(Kevin) Let us begin with the blessing of the wine.
##[chanting]
(all) Amen.
Kevin. What?
Yeah, go ahead.
##[Crazy 'Bout My Baby by Randy Newman playing]
# Crazy about my baby #
# Crazy about my baby Crazy about my baby #
[all cheering]
[speaking in Spanish]
Mmm. Mmm.
Well, hi.
Rosalind. Yeah.
I just have to say I underestimated you.
Oh.
When it comes to relationships
I'm starting to see
that you might actually know what you're talking about.
[laughing]
I appreciate that, Jack.
Really, thank you.
I also was curious about the advice you gave Judge Ira.
Mmm.
Is that classified information?
I thought you'd never ask.
I'm gonna give you a crash course, okay?
Come here.
Really?
Uh-huh.
And I do that for how many minutes?
Hey! There's my brother from another mother.
Congratulations, Jacko.
Put that away, Bernard.
We're family now.
We're family.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some unfinished business to take care of.
# I'm crazy about my baby #
Go get her, tiger.
[growling]
We Fockerized him.
Sure did.
I'd like to Fockerize you.
# Crazy about you baby #
# I know you're crazy about me #
[all cheering]
# Who's gonna take my love away? Nobody #
# Who's gonna take my love? #
# Who's gonna take my love away? #
# Who's gonna take my love? #
Sweetheart, do we have to hurry like this?
Honey, we're in a covert operation.
The bandleader told me we have 23 minutes
before they cut the cake.
Jack, what are you doing?
Little trick Bernie taught me.
# Crazy about my baby #
# Crazy about my baby Crazy about my baby #
# Crazy about my baby, my baby's crazy 'bout me #
# Crazy about my baby, my baby's crazy 'bout me ##
[chuckling]
Now let's find out, LJ,
why the Ferber method isn't working.
[tape rewinding]
[wailing]
(Roz) Oh, hi, baby.
Hi, Little Jack. Okay.
Oh, look what I brought you.
Oh, what did I bring? A chocolate.
For the baby.
Yummy, is that good?
I know you're not supposed to have this.
Grandpa Jack doesn't like chocolate.
But he's a little, you know, whacko.
Don't tell him, okay?
You know what? I got some cake in the refrigerator.
Later I'll bring you that, okay?
Chocolate cake. Good boy.
But don't tell anyone, okay? One more.
[giggling]
[tape rewinding]
You yell and scream all you want.
Make noise, that's what this country's all about.
I think we've got a little protester on our hands.
Oh, it figures,
I should've known this was gonna go on.
Always question authority.
You have to question everything El Stiffo Grandpa Jack says.
You know why? Because' he's full of...
Because he's full of...
[chanting]
Grandpa Jack is full of...
[giggling]
[sighs]
Grandpa Jack is full of...
[tape rewinding]
There he is. Little Man Jack.
How're you doing?
Can I interest you in a little vodka?
Just kidding.
I'm, like, uh, officially your uncle now.
So I was thinking
maybe I should give you some uncley advice.
You know, little hints for surviving in this family
'cause you gotta learn to keep secrets
from your psycho Grandpa Jack.
He was really upset
when you crawled out of the playpen.
Which is why we never tell him that instead of watching you,
I was actually out by the lagoon
smoking a little reefer.
[shushing]
Or that whole thing about Pam being pregnant.
There's no little Focker on the way.
Whole thing was just made up
so Jack would let us get married. But...
You gotta do what you gotta do, right?
That's cute, that little alligator tchotchke thing.
What's that in its mouth?
It's got like a... a camera!
[gasps]
Busted.
Hi, Jack.
I knew you were there all along. I was just, uh,
doin' a little show for you.
You know I don't smoke pot or anything,
and Pam is pregnant.
You should've seen the look on your face, though.
Oh, so good.
Asshole.
[laughing]
Hey, look at me, Jack, what am I?
[grunting]
I am a frozen caveman.
Study me, Jack.
Learn how strange the Focker genetic code is.
We are weird mutants who hug and kiss.
We show emotion.
Jack must learn from us
and chip away with his hammer of truth.
Ha, Focker.
Wooga booga.